Earlier today, I thought I saw a cockroach in my bedroom. This seriously freaked me out. I've only encountered a cockroach once in my life (this summer at a McDonald's on Woodward. The thing was lying on its back just outside the door, twitching and I think in the process of dying). However, about five minutes ago I was just about to turn off my light and go to sleep when I spotted an enormous (seriously, like two inches long) brown smudge on my ceiling. I was like, AHHH, COCKROACH. But no--it was a centipede. Except it had a bazillion legs, so it was a BAZILLIONPEDE. So I stared at it, trying to summon up some murderous courage (knowing that if I tried to smoosh it into the ceiling it would inevitably fall in my hair and I would absolutely die). Just as I was about to make my move, the thing fell off the ceiling. I chased it with my shoe but it squeezed (seriously, ENORMOUS) under my bedroom door. When I followed it out to the hallway, there was nothing there. So I was like, "Centipede, hi. Look. I think we should try to be friends. I'll be nice to you if you'll be nice to me." (And that is in quotes because I did actually say it out loud, and also asked it to stay out of my closet.)

Except as soon as I see it again IT WILL DIE. Because I WILL KILL IT.

Mother fucker, I wanted to go to bed early tonight. Now I'm going to be on INFINITIPEDE patrol and I probably won't even be able to close my eyes. But at least it's not a cockroach. Although: are some centipedes poisonous? I think I remember hearing that they could be poisonous. Oh dear god. I will not rest until its unnatural life is snuffed out. (Ha, I watched Jaws today. I feel like there are some common themes going around.)